last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon