I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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