i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad