Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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