Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
