i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
