i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
