I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
