im drinking this country out of the recession.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
