i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
