I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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