just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
