Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
