I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
