Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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