The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
