i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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