I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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