All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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