So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
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I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
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