you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
