My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
