Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
