Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
