Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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