some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize