I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
