i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
