I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect