I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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