someone get that fucking seahorse.
I chose taco bell over sex...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.