I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green