The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
