So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
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Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
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I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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