I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
