he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I AM VODKA MAN
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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