I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
