I hate your face
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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