I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
