After last night, I could never be a politician.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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