apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
