Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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