This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying