sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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