I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
