We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So. Much. Porn.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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