I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
