I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
