I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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