I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
