I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
