Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
