If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
