You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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