I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
