the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
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I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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