I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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