The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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