just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
